Prompt (spellchecked):
Create a satire describing why the EU wants to introduce the four-day week. By “four-day week,” it is meant that the week, instead of consisting of seven days, would only include the four days Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Please explain which reasons might support such a calendar reform.

Brussels – After decades of research, 18,000 pages of bureaucracy, and a three-day summit on the standardization of cucumber curvature, the European Union is apparently ready for its boldest step since the introduction of the euro: abolishing Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

In the future, the week will consist only of Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Officially, the European Commission refers to this as a “temporal efficiency initiative with sustainable day optimization.” Unofficially, people are already calling it: Project Weekend Zero.

1. Climate Protection: Fewer Days, Less Weather

According to a study by the highly respected European Institute for Chronological Sustainability, 43% of all bad weather occurs on Fridays. Rainy weekends, overheated Saturdays, and depressing Sunday afternoons would disappear entirely under the reform.

EU experts argue:

• No Saturday → no barbecues → less CO₂.
• No Sunday → lower electricity consumption from crime TV marathons.
• No Friday → nobody takes spontaneous flights to Mallorca anymore.

Germany especially welcomed the move, since weather conditions could finally be standardized to “permanently slightly cloudy.”

2. Productivity: Humans Stop Working After Thursday Anyway

An internal investigation found:

• People work on Mondays out of resentment.
• On Tuesdays out of routine.
• On Wednesdays out of hope.
• On Thursdays out of panic.

Fridays, meanwhile, reportedly consist of 87%:

• “This can wait until next week.”
• Coffee machine conversations.
• Excel files named final_FINAL_v2_REAL.xlsx.

By abolishing Friday, the EU expects to save approximately 14 billion pointless meetings every year.

3. Simplifying Bureaucracy

The EU explained that a four-day calendar would significantly shorten administrative forms.

A typical application currently consists of:

• 12 pages of personal information,
• 8 pages of data privacy notices,
• 3 pages explaining public holiday regulations,
• and 27 pages calculating moving weekends.

Without weekends, forms could finally be reduced to only 46 pages.

A spokesperson in Brussels proudly stated:

“Citizens will only need to remember whether today is Thursday or Monday again.”

4. Mental Health: Eliminating Sunday Anxiety

Psychologists enthusiastically support the reform. The infamous “Sunday evening depression” would disappear completely.

Critics did ask:
“But if Thursday is immediately followed by Monday, wouldn’t every day feel like Monday?”

The EU responded:
“That falls under the responsibility of the member states.”

5. Economic Benefits

Retailers are thrilled:

• No more Sunday shopping debates.
• No more Black Friday chaos.
• No more weekend grocery shopping.

Instead, the EU plans to introduce “Permanent Thursday” as Europe’s official consumption day. Citizens are expected to buy unnecessary things directly after work in order to prevent economic recession.

The coffee industry is particularly excited. Studies show that people in a four-day week require approximately 240% more coffee because their brains constantly try to figure out when the weekend is supposed to happen.

6. European Unity

Until now, European countries have had different public holidays:

• Spain celebrates something.
• France goes on strike.
• Germany has roughly 400 regional holidays.
• Belgium isn’t entirely sure why today is off.

With the new four-day week, this chaos disappears completely. Every day is a workday. Europe has never been more united.

7. The Secret Reason: The EU Doesn’t Hate Monday Enough

Insiders report that the original idea was simply to abolish Monday. But after months of negotiations, officials realized:
Without Monday, Tuesday would simply become the new Monday.

At that point, Brussels concluded:
If problems merely shift positions, you have to think more radically.

The final reform is expected to be introduced in 2032 — unless it gets postponed to Thursday, which would become practically unavoidable under the new system.